embrace modernity

pre-mourning the loss of some of my favorite HBOMax-inistas

Quibi-town, USA

Twas’ a very Quibi week for HBO; which is to say, not good and a little confusing. Not to toot my own horn, but I didddd call it a few weeks ago in this fine update. Nobody needs me waxing poetic on how potentially dangerous corporate-covert-streaming-library editing is. But it would be tragic if say, Studio Ghibli didn't make Discovery’s demographic synergy cut and Spirited Away/Totoro were lost to fund another round of ugly homes by the freaky Waco family. However, it appears most of those cuts appear secretly within Turner Classic Films’ (TCM) library and the boy wonder HBOMax.

All the Maxinista Originals that I watched (and will miss or just generally appreciate)

• And Just Like That….

  • not a fav as much as it was a very delectable gag. Long live Che Diaz. I hope their pilot wasn’t picked up by HBOMax

  • Do we really think Discovery+ is going to be the streaming platform with iconic moments such as kitchen finger bang and magic husband lamp?

• Brené Brown: Atlas of the Heart

  • haven’t watched it because I’m not emotionally mature enough to accept Her wisdom but I’m glad it exists

• FBoy Island

• The Flight Attendant

• genera+ion

  • it was heavy handed but I have yet to see a more beautiful use of flash forward than Panda Express-foodcourt-birthing-sequence

• Gossip Girl

  • I too was part of an emotionally literate/sexually liberated polyamorous triad in high school. Where is my representation at Discovery+? Shark Week?! Unless those shark scientists are sucking and fucking, I don’t give a rip. Do you think I feel kinship to that freaky WACO family?! Wake up and smell the strawberry banana vape cloud, Discovery! SHIPLAP / MINIMALIST LANDOWNER CORE IS NEO-LIB. You might get the views, but u will never be art.

• The Great Pottery Throw Down

  • Granted, i’m pretty sure this one is produced by the BBC Three and distributed by HBOMax.

  • If I lose TGPTD because of the network responsible for the Property Brothers…oh. you. will. be. sorry. Do you, Discovery, know how many things make me genuinely happy. None. Even TGPTD gets me down sometimes because I can’t stop thinking about how all of those people were able to pursue their passions and still have healthcare. TGPTD meshes with ur “brand.” Please keep her going. It’s just nice, British, and makes you want to be a better person who embraces art and the little things in life.

• Hacks

  • I heard Discovery+ is saving this one. Good on you. Don’t eff it up. Also, maybe don’t let stuff like this happen again

Gibson Johns @gibsonoma

Hannah Einbinder from “Hacks” found out about the HBO Max speculation while watching Bowen Yang and Matt Rogers talk about it on Instagram Live 😭

• Harley Quinn

  • dont @ me

• It’s A Sin

• The Last Movie Stars

• Legendary

• Let Them All Talk

• Love Life

• Made For Love

• Minx

• Not So Pretty

• The other two.

• Our Flag Means Death

• PLL Original Sin (for those of u with Riverdale withdrawal)

• Rose Matafeo Horn Dog

• Search Party

• The Sex Lives of College Girls (haven’t watched but seems up my ally)

• Starstruk

• That Damn Michael Che

• Unpregnant

So here’s what is really pissing me off.

And maybe it’s petty. But HBOMax is for the girls. Prestige TV is for the girls. Here is a comprehensive list of HBO things that skew Male: Game of Thrones (over), DC (pls don’t make me talk about the Snyder cut), Barry (kind of, but NOT really). Do you know who watches those damn unscripted cable shows? Dads. Grandparents. People eating hotel breakfast. People who say Bazinga. What does OWN even air anymore? I would like one single testimonial from a millennial/genZ woman who can make it through an episode of Prairie Woman Pioneer Woman without 1. puking 2. wishing for a lobotomy OR 3. cursing the expectations of Neo-colonial-Americana womanhood.

Do they think TLC is…like…the cutting edge of reality TV. Move over, flop…except for you, Trixie Motel, you are gorgeous and you are a star. Otherwise, the Andy-verse (via Bravo/E!, both NBCUniversal properties) and the Ru-verse (via Paramount+) run this nation (and Dubai/Australia/Canada?). Not that Andy’s shows are—at the end of the day—that much better, but at least the Real Housewives umbrella exploits rich women (rather than making impoverished middle America a punchline).

Anyway. I’m sad. I was really rooting for u HBOmax. @WarnerDiscover-daddy, pls don’t cancel ‘the other two.’ it never got the support it deserved. Hilarious. Heartwarming. It kinda gives Prairie Pioneer Woman x GLAM x the city, without romanticizing…you know…the myth of the American West. Also, you try watching Starstruk (HBOMax) and still thinking, the RomCom is dead. Women prefer unscripted tv???! No. Women want this

no joke. I have recreated this S1E2 moment no less than 5 times

(Starstruk) again, long live the well funded rom-com series.

Anyway, this was incoherent but I spent my morning trying to become an expert on the ~merger~ of it all and felt I should write something so it wasn’t a total waste of time.

A tweet that deserved better.

grimace @siIIymonkey

cigarettes after sex but ive just masturbated and am now vaping alone in my room

Isabel Parigi @isabelparigi

@siIIymonkey embrace modernity