Wig RUveal: Bag Edition (aka my week with julie kay)
don't take your wig off unless you have another wig on underneath, DARLING!
In a quest to live my most authentic life I abide by a post-organization lifestyle. Only four of my six Ikea drawers work. I spend a quarter of every week some degree of stuck under my bed looking for anything from a book to a missing shoe. I’ve been anti-organization since I learned how easy it is to just shove stuff under your bed.
Rice crispy wrapper?
Dirty socks?
Those things on your bed that you think you can balance under if you just sleep reallllly still, then inevitably knock off and refold but can’t put away?
Under. The. Bed. Off to the side. A problem for another day.
At any given moment I have between three and six slinky little tank tops hanging together as one slinky little amoeba. Every sweater vest I own (4) is nestled from skimpiest to baggiest on the same hanger. My shoes are in a loosely organized pile. Only recently have I moved all of my crafts and various oddities into a shoebox instead of all over the living room.
Consider this live footage from last week when I was marooned on my bed.
This is to say…I neither find pleasure in organization’s aesthetic nor in the general lifestyle. HOWEVER a few weeks ago I stumbled upon (rip) the first piece of organizational content that I have ever moderately enjoyed…which I previously thought was impossible. It’s not even organization for messy people.
It’s #consumercore organization.
Allow me to introduce you to the future of humanity, the ultimate anti-tote bag girl~ina, the unexpected answer to my content craving prayers: @imjuliekay
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MOVE OVER FRINGEFEST there is a new queen of comedy and she is going to smell better than all of us.
If you didn’t watch the video that I so generously embedded, here are some highlights:
First we’re going to pack my Z-Fold. And don’t even start with ‘Why don’t you have an iPhone!?’ I do. This is my hoe phone.
Then we’re going to pack my keyboard I use with my iPhone. You just put your phone in here and then you go off on everyone. This [keyboard] actually has a feature: It’s called you win every single argument.
This is a selfie light you attach to your phone for butt hole pictures.
Napkin in case things get messy, floss in case you get a ball hair in your teeth.
Almost all of her content is like a girlboss-ified (derogatory) wig reveal. Por ejemplo:
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“If you’re going to take your [bag out], there better be another [bag] underneath darling!”
Everything is pink. Everything is cute. Everything has order, compliments each other, and has a dedicated pocket or purse-lette. Julie Kay is either our generation’s Andy Kaufman or our Mussolini. Either way, she will no doubt play some role in the global apocalypse.
I’m mostly kidding about the Mussolini of it all. However, I’m fairly confident about the Andy Kaufman thing. Or, maybe she’s the new vessel of choice for the freshly liberated spirit of Norm Macdonald. Wasp-joke, sashay away.
Seriously.
I have no idea if her account is a bit or not. Is Madame Kay an icon of McBling consumerism OR doing one of the greatest drag performances of all time? Is she the patron saint of late stage capitalism or the only contemporary avant-garde satirist meeting the moment. Most likely she’s a hyper intelligent AI bot created through a secret Amazon - Sephora collab that has such a keen understanding of self that her glam squad (her team of creators) is now too scared to shut her down. It’s a real HAL 9000 situation. For all we know Madame Kay could be the Juicy-clad angel star child of death that ushers us between post-modernism and McBling Neo-Gothic.
I don’t know. And don’t? really? care? I just want to know what’s in her Pepto Bismol purse du jour.
If you are thinking, “Dang. Good for Isabel. She seems like she really ironed out her meds. This topic has the potential to become substantive cultural criticism. Her posts make it seem like she is a well-adjusted twenty-something.” You are wrong. Mama decided to do another lo-fi GoogleSheet for the pastel purse content.
Ruh. And I repeat: Roh!
I would keep going but I think this pretty much gets the point across.
(if the purse is highlighted in millennial pink, the bag is a millennial pink vessel)
My personal favorite section is obviously “wipes.” This girl has a wipe for everything. Every hole. every pore. There’s not a doubt in my mind that she has a wipe for the unbearable burden of being perceived. And! All of them come in catty little single use packaging. CLIMATE DISASTER, WHO?
Another thing about Queen (yes, she conducted a coup, and elevated herself from madame to queen) Julie: Her royal highness hates her ex-boyfriend. Throughout my research she has said the following of her former lover:
“Then I have this little tiny hairspray with no personality. It reminds me of my ex-boyfriend hehe!”
“Are you sick of Victoria’s Secret charging 87 doll hairs for a thong? For one piece of cotton no bigger than my ex-boyfriend’s junk to marinate between my butt cheeks for a few hours?
Ok- I can’t find any more hard data on the subject but I’ve watched a lot of Queen Julie and I know her ex-boyfriend is trash based solely on bad products she has compared him to.
During more hard core research (clicking the link in her bio) I found out that Julie is actually an Amazon influencer and this whole project went from titillating to ~that feeling I got the first time I saw one of Bo Burnham’s audible (Amazon) ads~. boo
score one for capitalism 💋💋